A valuable orientation for me personally, and in my work supporting people through career and other transitions, is looking at how we are influenced by the expectations of others. We’re social creatures so it’s normal, and can be healthy, to be influenced by others. We can, however, fall into cycles of people pleasing and deferring to others, so that our life, work, and relationships are built on a foundation that may not align with who we are. This can feel like disconnection and emptiness in some or all parts of our lives.
When we work toward designing and building a life that is in alignment with ourselves, it can be challenging to parse out our own voice. We may not be accustomed to listening for it, and the expectations of others may have been our guide. Building a deeper connection with ourself and our voice, and resolving to not abandon ourselves to the expectations of others is foundational work for building greater clarity, authenticity, and alignment.
Deepening our connection with ourselves can create a life changing shift but it can be challenging to begin releasing the expectations of others. Finding our voice when we have been deferring to others can be difficult and disorienting. There can be grief and a sense of loss about what may have been previously abandoned. There is also an ever-present pull toward familiar patterns, both within us and in our relationships.
What I have found most supportive is a mindset of curiosity, compassion toward self, and patience. This can be brought into daily life by frequently asking the simple question, ‘what would I like in this moment?’, and then patiently waiting for your own inner voice.
You also might also like to be curious about these questions:
1. What areas of my life might be based on the expectations of other people? In what ways might I be motivated by other people’s expectations?
2. Whose expectations are these? Where might they be coming from?
3. What do I fear I might experience if I were to let go of these expectations?
4. What motivates or inspires me to release these expectations? How does it feel to imagine letting them go?
It’s not important to find the answers to these questions, but rather to explore them with curiosity and patience. This will support you as you build a foundation for greater connection, coherence, and alignment.
The journey toward letting go of others’ expectations has been valuable in my life in many ways, and as with all growth and change, challenging as well. I’ve enjoyed having a deeper sense of connection with myself, more clarity around decisions and direction, a greater acceptance of ‘what is’, and a sense of calm and trust from knowing I am caring for and not abandoning myself. I recently heard this beautifully described as having ‘inner coziness’.
Along with the many valuable benefits, this shift can also create the potential for challenges in some relationships. Some of our relationships may be have been built around the expectations and needs of others. When healthy boundaries are established, and we begin to put our needs on par with others, there can be strain, conflict, or the falling away of some relationships. Many relationships will adapt and often flourish through this change, and new healthy ones will be made. Some, however, may have been built around a previous version of ourselves, and as we shift, we may find the desire or ability to build a healthy relationship with us isn’t there. Our job here, as always, is to infuse ourselves with love.
Most importantly, this journey of releasing expectations allows us to deepen our connection with ourselves, and with those people in our lives who will meet us where we are and support our growth and change. Releasing expectations is part of the foundational work of life design that allows us to build greater clarity, coherence, and alignment in our work and life.
