I’ve been exploring what it means to be deeply and consistently connected to values as a reliable guide for living a meaningful life. It’s been interesting because even though I am steeped in this through my life design work, I still find it to be difficult, complex, and emotionally heavy work at times. It does, however, provide a valuable guide, and insight into places of struggle and pain.
What would your life look like if you were consistently guided by values? What would be different? In what way is your life already values driven?
Some of you will remember from your life design work that values are an important compass or ‘north star’ when navigating transitions and making decisions. Without a clear sense of our values, we can feel stuck and directionless, or struggle with making decisions. Where there is an ongoing and pervasive disconnection from values, there can also be a deep sense of loss, pain, and grief.
DISCONNECTION FROM VALUES
Where there is pain, there is disconnection from values. The place of pain reveals a value.
Life can be difficult when we are not aligned with our values and are not living our life according to them. Pierson and Hayes referred to this as the pain of ‘absence’ ~ the pain of a life not being lived (in contrast to the pain of ‘presence’, which we experience as symptoms). Reconnection to values and moving in line with them is key.
Are you feeling a sense of loss or sorrow that points to an ongoing disconnection from a core value? What would it look like to reconnect to that value?
We can become disconnected from our values when:
~ We have adopted the values of others, and in doing so have lost our connection with our own.
~ We have focused on goals that may not have a sense of meaning or connection to our values. This can happen when there has been an ongoing focus on career, relationships, family, or financial goals that aren’t grounded in our values. This is also why we can feel disappointed or ‘flat’ after achieving a goal.
~ We have an orientation toward agreeableness, people pleasing, or deferring to the expectations, wants, and needs of others without clear boundaries.
~ We have internalized cultural or community values and beliefs that don’t align with our own. We may have been discouraged from living a values-driven life, especially if our values don’t support those of our culture or community.
UNDERSTANDING VALUES
~ Values are desired life directions that reflect what matters most to us. They are an ongoing direction, but with no destination. They define how we want to live and show up in our life.
~ Values are unique to us, freely chosen, and can never be wrong. They comprise a perfect foundation from which to live our most authentic and true life.
~ Values are not goals. Goals, such as writing a book, can be achieved, while a value, such as creativity, is a direction that guides how we want to live in the world.
~ Values are not rules. They are not guided by a sense of obligation or expectation.
~ Values are active. They are an ongoing quality of behaviour and way of being in the world
PROTECTING YOUR VALUES WITH BOUNDARIES
Values are what matter most to us and boundaries are how we protect them.
There can be many influences that pull us away from living a values-driven life. To protect our values, we need to establish and maintain clear boundaries with ourselves and others. Boundaries teach people how to treat us and how to respect ourselves.
More on boundaries next time…
There are a number of ways to clarify your values and live a values driven life. Please reach out to have a chat if you would like some help with this.
