‘Boundaries are not judgments, punishments, or betrayals. They are a purely peaceable thing.’
~ Cheryl Strayed
On my list of things at the intersection of ‘would have been helpful earlier in life’ and ‘better late than never’ are clear and healthy boundaries. Also on the list: financial literacy, sunscreen, and a good therapist.
Boundaries are at the top of the list because I believe they are the foundation of personal and community liberation and freedom, a loving and authentic connection to self and others, and a greater sense of safety and comfort.
I also believe that the perspective on boundaries that many of us hold create a sense of discomfort and fear and lead us to avoid engaging with or enacting them. The ‘boundary binary’ most familiar to us is the porous vs rigid perspective. This binary suggests that we either live without clear boundaries to avoid the potential reaction of others and our own discomfort, or we create rigid lines of separation where we prioritize ourselves and our own needs over others ~ a ‘say no and mean it’ approach.
No wonder I spent years deferring this for ‘future Heather’ to figure out.
But another perspective on boundaries that sits well with me, and maybe will for you too, borrows from Relational-Cultural Theory. This perspective sees boundaries as a tool for building connection to self and others. Rather than an orientation toward separateness and armed with language focused on saying ‘no’ and ‘enforcing’ boundaries, boundaries are seen as a way to invite into our lives what we most value and care about. In this way, boundaries are a way to respect and honour our values and needs, and those of our community. They are an invitation to say ‘yes!’ to what matters most to us.
As the foundation of care, boundaries also allow us to acknowledge our limitations, and from this self-knowledge, articulate where and how we’re able to be in the world and with others. Diego Perez (Yung Pueblo) says:
‘Some of the most beautiful people I know have a good balance between self-love and selflessness. They take good care of themselves, work on their growth, and set proper boundaries. They also treat others well and help when they can. They know how to be kind without exhausting themselves.’
If you feel burnt out, overwhelmed, or resentful, creating healthy boundaries with a focus on inviting in those things that are most important to you may be the key to feeling better. If you have a history of people pleasing or are a parent or caregiver who has focused on the needs of others for many years, you may be feeling disconnected from your boundaries.
While I still feel like a novice in the world of the healthily boundaried, I have found even small steps have created meaningful positive changes. I’m especially grateful for having learnt how to be on my own side, while also building community and nurturing healthy, reciprocal, and caring connections with those who also want this.
As with our values, our boundaries and how we chose to enact them are unique to us. If you’d like to work on building a life guided by values and supported by boundaries, please reach out so I can keep you updated on my upcoming ‘Values and Boundaries’ workshop in the new year.
A good reference for a deeper dive into boundaries is the ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’ book and workbook by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
If you are struggling with boundaries in your own life, you can begin exploring your relationship with boundaries by reflecting on the questions below.
1. How do you feel about setting boundaries?
2. If you had healthier boundaries, how would your life be different?
3. What are three places or relationships that are in need of healthier boundaries right now?
4. If you weren’t worried about a potential reaction, or how creating a boundary would feel, what would you do?
5. Do you feel disconnected from a core value? Can you invite that value into your life and create a supportive and clear boundary around it as a way to protect and honour it?
